Living in an Empathetic World (pt. 2): Emotional Mayhem
Introduction
Obedience is not a buffet. A son with his new driver’s license wants to help his parents and decides to get some groceries, which is good. But he thinks it would be a good idea to drive his dad’s prized hot-rod to the store, which he was obviously not allowed to do. When you act compassionately in response to God’s command, you want to obey all of His other commands as well. This means Christian compassion should be pursued with Christian wisdom, justice, and courage under the authority of God.
In G.K. Chesterton’s Orthodoxy, he says the following about how virtues become dangerous when they isolate.
“The modern world is full of the old Christian virtues gone mad. The virtues have gone mad because they have been isolated from each other and are wandering alone. Thus some scientists care for truth; and their truth is pitiless. Thus some humanitarians only care for pity; and their pity (I am sorry to say) is often untruthful.”
A word that I will use throughout this sermon is the word “untethered” or “untied” or “detached.” What makes compassion dangerous today is that we have detached it from truth. Compassion is untethered. It’s no longer living according to the rule of God but has rebelled.
The Passage
“Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28
The main point of this sermon is also the main application I want us to consider: Only Jesus should have control of your life. Only Jesus should control your emotional steering wheel.
Review
God is good. God’s compassion is His willingness to give good gifts to miserable sinners. C.S. Lewis defined compassion as a spur that drives joy to help misery. True compassion sees the misery of another person. True compassion also sees the ultimate good of that person. Because compassion is based on the goodness of God, I asked you last week to thank God for 20 gifts each day. Did you do it? I also asked you, if given the opportunity, to show compassion by sharing the joy of God with someone in misery. Were you able to do it?
Sympathy, Empathy, and Apathy
Dr. Joe Rigney describes apathy, sympathy, and empathy with the illustration of someone drowning in a river. The ultimate good for the drowning man is to be on the dry shore with you. True compassion and sympathy means holding on to the shore and reaching out to rescue the man from the river. Compassion connects someone in misery with the truth and joy that will help them. Apathy refuses to connect with the drowning man in misery. You stand on the shore. Untethered empathy is when you jump into the river with the drowning man. It’s true that he’s no longer alone in his misery, but neither are you able to help him.
One thing I want you to keep in mind with apathy, empathy, and sympathy is: it’s not whether but which. It’s not whether you will be apathetic, it’s to whom you will show apathy.
Beware of Unbiblical Apathy
Apathy is when you turn your heart away from the other person. You refuse to share or experience the feelings particularly the misery of another person. At times, God demands that we harden our heart against certain people. But most of the time, we should be open to show the compassion of God. An example of unbiblical apathy is the priest or Levite in the parable of the good Samaritan. They see a man in misery but harden their heart against him. This is obviously wrong and sinful. God puts people like this in our lives so that we can show the compassion of God to them. Usually, apathy is selfish and seeks to hoard. Biblical compassion is generous and seeks to give.
Beware of Unchained Empathy
Empathy is simply our ability to share and experience the feelings of others. Empathy is powerful. It allows families and churches to be of one mind and spirit.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Romans 12:15–16
But empathy is also like a spotlight. You can only empathize with one party at a time. If you truly empathize with Ukraine, you will be against Russia. If you empathize with Hamas, you will be against Israel. So, empathy is a spotlight. But empathy is also fallible. How many of you have assumed someone felt one way only to discover that they felt another?
When we see a man drowning in a river, empathy is that feeling of anxiety we feel that matches the anxiety of the man. Unchained empathy is when you jump into the river, not to bring the person back to shore, but to just be with them. This is obviously dangerous, because now there’s not just one person drowning in misery but two. Today, unchained empathy is powerful because everyone wants to be a victim. The more victimhood you can justify, the more empathy you can demand from someone else. For example, if you’re a woman, you can claim victimhood from men. The reason America allowed BLM to burn down our cities is because they claimed victimhood status.
Beware of Emotional Blackmail and Pity Parties
Apathy and empathy are ditches to avoid if you’re on the bank. But what if you’re the one in the water? If you’re in need of help, then you should call for help and hopefully a godly Christian will show you compassion. But we live in a day where everyone wants to be the victim so they can tell another person how to help them. We live in a day where you jump into a river of misery so someone can help you. But more often what happens, is you step in a puddle and blame the guy who didn’t for making you drown. Pastor John Piper coined the phrase emotional blackmail after years of pastoring and counseling families. Listen to an extended quote from him.
“Emotional blackmail happens when a person equates his or her emotional pain with another person’s failure to love. They aren’t the same. A person may love well and the beloved still feel hurt, and use the hurt to blackmail the lover into admitting guilt he or she does not have. Emotional blackmail says, “If I feel hurt by you, you are guilty.” There is no defense. The hurt person has become God. His emotion has become judge and jury. Truth does not matter. All that matters is the sovereign suffering of the aggrieved. It is above question. This emotional device is a great evil. I have seen it often in my three decades of ministry and I am eager to defend people who are being wrongly indicted by it. . . Not feeling loved and not being loved are not the same. Jesus loved all people well. And many did not like the way he loved them.” John Piper
You know when someone is using emotional blackmail when they justify their own sin while blaming another person for sin. This happens in families all the time. A young child feels mom wronged him when she spanked him for lying so he pouts. An older teenager justifies breaking curfew because she believes her parents are sinning against her by being too strict. A wife interprets her husband in the worst possible light and treats him passive aggressively for a few days. A husband feels like his wife doesn’t appreciate his hard work and acts depressed so she will notice, and he can heap some guilt on her.
In church life, emotional blackmail usually surrounds an unhealthy practice or sin that gets called out in some way. This conviction could come from a sermon or Sunday school lesson. The conviction could also come by noticing that other Christians have more success in this area than you do. But instead of asking for help on God’s terms, you demand help on your own terms. People who emotionally blackmail churches choose a number of tactics to stoke up false guilt in the congregation. Sometimes they spread rumors or start complaining. Other times they hold their tithes hostage. Still other times they stop serving in the church or even stop attending church altogether. Notice that in all these examples whether it be in the family or the church, the emotional blackmailer simply feels sinned against. They never have to bring evidence to the designated authority: the parent, husband, or pastor. They don’t clearly bring the truth out in public but hide it behind gossip, Facebook messages, and assumptions. Because they never handle their feelings according to God’s standards, they add layers of confusion and deception to the community by choosing sin in retaliation to their feeling of being sinned against.
What’s sad about emotional blackmail is that sometimes the blackmailer was legitimately sinned against. But because they handled the sin like a pagan, not a Christian, it becomes almost impossible for a family or church to set the matter straight.
Beware of Reasonable Advocates
If you desire to only let God drive your emotional steering wheel, the most dangerous person you need to watch out for is the reasonable advocate. An advocate in these types of scenarios always take the side of the blackmailer. For example, your teenager’s friends will automatically take your daughter’s side that you’re too strict with the curfew. And at church, you usually know that one family will always side with another family. These are advocates. But a reasonable advocate sounds reasonable. He agrees with you that the emotional blackmailer is sinning. But he encourages you to bend God’s principles “to keep the peace.” Joe Rigney, in his book, talks about how pastors can agree on something at a meeting but then later that evening some of the men start texting in the group chat “I think we made a bad decision. They were steered by their wife’s emotions.
Conclusion
I began my sermon talking about how God should rule over our emotions so that we can model His compassion. I want to end with that same emphasis. Most of this sermon has dealt with ways in which our compassion can be hijacked. I want to simply encourage you to ask throughout this week “who is steering my emotions right now?”